I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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