There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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