No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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