so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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