Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
