I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
