I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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