Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
