I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
