My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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