My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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