I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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