my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
