She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
