I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
