She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
