That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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