We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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