he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
