So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
