I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
