Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
