So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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