No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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