U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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