I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
