Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
