All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
