I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
