And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
