my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Pants are for mortals
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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