I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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