Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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