I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
