theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
