So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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