went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
