all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize