The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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