Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
