To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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