I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
