Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
