my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
