I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
