You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
