I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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