Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize