he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
