Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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