another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
