i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
