I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i don't like sucking hair
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
