My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
