i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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