His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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