this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
