I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
the raccoons are back...
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