Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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