We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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