Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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